nathanialroyale: (Default)




Depression hit me pretty hard as I am getting used to living on my own away from family/friends.
Finally after two weeks of bullcrap I got my depression meds upped and finished my midterms which I only got 60's in because of said depression. But hopefully I can get some stuff done now (Have the motivation to do anything..Uggggh.)

So simming stuff soon!
 
nathanialroyale: (Nathan)
I just moved into Dorms 4 hrs from my parents. Dormmates are alright, we are all gamers, but only one gets having any kind of mental condition and it's because she's training to be a mental health nurse. I'm not used to having people giving me weird looks when I say I have depression and anxiety, almost everyone in my family does... Almost all of my friends had mental conditions in my life, it's more weird for people to not have these issues then to actually have them, to me.

I'm settling in but I'm not at my best on my own right now, the campus is huge and to get between my classes I literally have to do 6 flights of stairs in less then 8 minutes. I'm physically exhausted and trying to keep myself calm so I don't have an anxiety attack or a breakdown, so I'm not doing too much gaming right now. I'm more reading my books on Buddhism and meditating, and chanting to the Bodhisattva Kwan Yin to keep myself level.

My classes are decent, they are seemingly easier then my second year classes at collage actually, which is weirding me the heck out!

I do have some projects I can upload just have to get the energy to do so. If anyone is better at taking clear shots of skintones and is willing to take some preview pics of a zombie skintone I'd like to upload at GOS I would really appreciate it!
nathanialroyale: (Fail)






Sorry about the sudden inactivity. I may have killed my power supply or graphics card on my CPU, I wont know till- earliest; tomorrow, lastest; monday. I am going off to an anime convention for the weekend as well, busy busy!
 
nathanialroyale: (LOL)









Prices are all negotiable!

Xbox 360

Normal Fable III - 15$
Fable II Game of the Year Edition - 20$
N3-Ninety Nine Nights - 5$
The Last Remnant 15$
Infinite Undiscovery 15$
Star Ocean The Last Hope - 20$
Lost Odyssey (No Manual) - 10$
Brutal Legend - 5$
Assassin’s Creed - 10$

Xbox

Demon Stone - 5$
Prince of Persia The Sands of Time - 5$
Prince of Persia Warrior Within - 5$


PS2

Prince of Persia The Two Thrones - 5$

 

Shipping will be 8 in Canada, 10 in the U.S!

(Starting to sense my desperation yet?)

nathanialroyale: (Nilec)
Were moving tomorrow so no internet until the 30th or the 1st.
But enjoy your holidays everyone!
nathanialroyale: (Fail)
I have grown bored with the sims, I cannot afford sims3 or sims medieval legit so I am trying to get myself back into sims2. I am making a themed game, fantasy pseudo medieval/Renaissance make it work for my Novel world game. of course the process that is the most fun is downloading, sorting and finding cool stuff. It will be ages before I play again though because I know understand the pain of trying to default so much to make everything look right!


I'm going back on anti-depressants, it's not for the depression, it's for the anxiety this time. It's killing me with college, the idea of having two group projects this semester is doing me in. I'm not usually this bad, but I know my own body and I know something's wrong. So if the drugs can help again then I'm not going to try to get by without them anymore. My emotions are over sensitized, I'm crying at the drop of a hat which likely means my hormones are messed up. My self confidence has plummeted back down to what it was before I came out to my family as a Female to Male Transgendered 3 years ago. And talking to people about this isn't easy because of my now masculine perceived persona, which is bullshit. Men get sad! Men get anxious! Men have Emotions! O.o

I am so anxious I am avoiding all school work and I told myself that this is the year I have to make it or I will regret it for the rest of my life. But I can't do it on my own falling back into old habits.

I had an incident where someone on the internet caused me to have a complete anxious breakdown even though they were not interacting with me. It was there treatment of the others in the role play chat that caused it. I thought it was isolated but I have never had that kind of breakdown before, let alone over someone I didn't know on the internet who was not even talking to me! I'm getting rashes on my arms from stress and it will only get worse as I have five classes next semester to the four this one. I will then be moving to a new city with a room-mate away from my parents. This is my transfer year, my make it or break it as my high-school average was a piss poor 56%.

I have been on anti depressants before, 12-18 and I can feel that something is not right. I quit my other meds (Effexor) cold turkey at 18, it was hell. HELL. But the side effects terrified me and made me the drugs prisoner. I know that if I go back on any they will have to be a lower dosage, and I am going to do my research. But this is not a failure to me like some people would think, this is someone who knows that they have problems and are willing to fix them. And I have the support of this decision by my mother who has anxiety and manages without meds and my father who has severe depression which manifests as anger who is medicated. I know that by doing this it means I am in-tuned with my body's signals and I'm happy about that. So here goes nothing, and may I start feeling as though I can contact people through their ask box finally. As that was a blindingly red alarm bell for me, the first thing that my anxiety robbed me being able to do. So, I want my confidence back.

nathanialroyale: (Fail)







We have internet, however my laptop and pc wont connect to the network. I have been having problems with wireless sense I started using it five years ago. So hopefully I can talk my father into wiring me to the modem.But until then can't do much, as I'm on mom's pc in the living room.
nathanialroyale: (Fail)
Were moving tomorrow and the weekend, when we will have internet is uncertain. 

So will update then!
nathanialroyale: (Not Impressed)






The apartment building we are currently living in was sold between companies three times after we moved in. The guy who bought all six of the three bedroom apartments had mortgages on them which our rent was going toward paying. Well... We have been paying 1500$ for 3 years and none of it ever went to the mortgage. So all of the three bedroom suites are being foreclosed and are now owned by the bank. We have 28 days to pack and get out of dodge before they change the locks and we are screwed.

This forced moving comes just as my mother goes in for a breast reduction on the 14th of July as she has double DD's which is effecting her back which has 3 discs disintegrated and three hemorrhaging as well as pinched nerves to her legs so she can't feel a damn thing from middle of her back to the tips of her toes.  But as my mother is fucking amazing she has worked full time all year with all of these injuries. The breast reduction will help and later in the summer she is supposed to go finally for nerve testing (Again >.< ) before they will fix the pinched nerve. All of this damage to her was done in car crashes in the last 12 years.

My brother is having hip surgery as the ball of his hip is messed up and has actually made a hole in the hip bone which they have to repair, and that surgery is 3 days....3 days after my mother's surgery. I was going to stay home and help her but my father who thinks he is owner of the universe says I am a lazy "....." and so I am looking for a job for the summer instead because regardless of her needing the help my father is always right. So amid these surgeries we have to move and we may even end up in a hotel until December and if we do I wont have my desktop. I will still be getting on my laptop or at the college because if I don't I might just end up in jail from killing my father. 23 years of being yelled at makes me touchy when it comes to him, cause yelling and swearing fixes everything don't you know? *Cue the sarcasm.

Internet will hopefully keep me sane.

But the writing and simming I had planned is not likely to happen now. So I may be on hiatus. I'm so stressed I've bitten all of my hang nails to the point my fingers are bleeding profusely :<

I will try to post again if anything changes.

nathanialroyale: (Not Impressed)
I don't have a facebook anymore so this is where I am unloading.


I failed two of three of my final exams. I failed one class so far, the other I have a 60 thank goodness. This next one I am worried about too.

I can't do this next year, I have to have a 2.4 average to transfer and if I don't get to finish my degree I really don't have anything else I want to do with my life... I want to teach University history and write my novels, that's all I want. I just have to push myself to do it, I've never been a good studier, and with seasonal depression winter semester is brutal for me. But I have to re-take astronomy as I got 48% (SO CLOSE >.<)


The influences in my life are not helping, all of my friends that had drive are already out of Red Deer and doing their third or fourth year of their own degrees. Everyone else left in this town I talk to are dreamers, saying they will do something but never actually trying for it. I hate that. I need the motivation of people around me who will actually say to me- Go Study! Instead of bitching that they never get time with me anymore because of school. Thanks for the support assholes.

It's no wonder I am withdrawing back into my writing, my imagination and muses are what keeps me sane when I'm stressed and depressed. I showed myself I can get good grades, I had a high seventy and a high eighty last semester, I just have to force apply myself. I do want this, I want to teach, it's all I've ever wanted to do in my life, and because of math I've had to take the harder, longer road instead. I just wish my friends would be more supportive as I'm really not good at making new ones.
nathanialroyale: (LOL)




 

I was hoping so hard he was going to do it, but I didn't know for certain until I saw this. Lord of the rings made my teen years and inspired me so heavily!




nathanialroyale: (Not Impressed)
This is written for my Sociology of Sexuality and Gender class. I posted it here and on D.A, I wont post it in a trans or pride community because I do not trust them not to bitch me out.

---

I have observed whilst being part of different pride groups or transsexual communities that even among those misunderstood by the rest of society and judged upon our adhering to scripting and gender codes; we still push those around us to the same standards. As a Female to Male Transsexual I have known for a long time I am doing nothing to fight against the scripts of hegemonic masculinity, the beliefs of what masculine behaviors and actions should be (Dictionary 3.0.) If I wished to fight against these scripts a better option would be to remain female in sex but gender myself male.  If for no other reason than I was not born male I must further adhere to these codes then a cis-gender, a person born to the correct gender and sex, male would have to!

We continually evaluate each other upon these behaviors and appearances, even when we know ourselves that we would not wish the same treatment. I am guilty of doing this in the past to a few other female to male transsexuals I have met, and such preconceived notions can turn into hostility. The idea of the peer arena, where others evaluate your gendered performance, and critique and judge each other does not end with the advancement into adulthood. It is more common among adolescence but their remains that ingrained notion in people that if they make others look worse than they are, they will look better in others eyes. To this end thoughts run that they are not taking their transition as seriously as I am, or that they are not as devoted.

This is why I usually do not enter or stay in groups or communities that deal with issues in my own life; we are constantly obsessed with describing, analyzing and reacting to other people’s choices of sexuality and personal life as Michel Foucault wrote.  The idea that someone’s sexuality should exist behind a closed door cannot really happen when we emerge ourselves in their affairs. We bring our notions of what is right and correct with us from before our transition even while we try to wage war on the scripts and gendered ideologies that we are trying to change! How can we change things if we ourselves are still judging each other on the notions kept by the essentialist lenses, that there are two genders and they are fundamentally different?(Dictionary 3.0.) To judge someone else’s transition from their born gender to their wanted gender is to open that door for the same treatment. As groups trying to bring messages we have been drawn to each other but stand apart, still calling judgments on those who we should be standing beside because no others will have us. If a minority cannot stand together how can it expect to stand up to the majority and enact these plans for change?

Based on society, media and what we have been taught we make the distinction between what is ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’ sexual behavior. And it is this that we take up in arms against those who are at all different from ourselves even if they themselves are trying to escape heternormativity, the norms expected of each gender (Dictionary 3.0.) There is an increasing range of what is considered feminine and masculine, and transsexuals should be able to fall under these categories as well as cis-gendered individuals. A female to male transsexual should not have to have a buzz cut, wear baggy jeans and have facial hair to be acknowledged as a male, although this is easier said than done in practice of course. Just because this particular female to male is wearing makeup today and tight pants shouldn’t mean that oh! They have gone back upon their decision and wish to now remain female, or a male to female who is wearing slacks and a baggy t-shirt has changed their mind upon that decision as well. Though to counter my own point I will say however that many transsexuals I have met or heard from are far more sensitive then I in regards to gender pro-nouns and bullying.

I have the self confidence because of the support in my life not to be crushed when one person says to me that ‘you will never be male’. I know that many do not have this self confidence and support system, and they are the ones that the peer arena hurts the most. They who have their hearts crushed by complete strangers who are ill informed or simply just out to hurt, who think that anyone who says anything toward transsexuals in misunderstanding and not in flattery is being trans-phobic. We judge each other and we judge everyone else, and in standing together we need to get some thicker skin.

nathanialroyale: (Not Impressed)






I hate anything science or math related.

Astronomy you suck balls and I better pass this bloody course >.<

Why do I need 6 credits in science for a History major...

Science sucks.

That is all.

nathanialroyale: (Fox)








'Being any gender is to dress in drag.'


Don't mind me while I Flail about the best quote ever created :P

nathanialroyale: (LOL)


It is my 23rd today ^^

And I am currently taking a course in College about Gender,Sex and Sexuality.

I have always wondered why I have had difficulty dealing with the idea of Drag Queens/Drag Kings when I myself am a Transsexual, and I have always wanted to know how society perceived gender and sex, and why there are only two genders considered by society. This class helped me figure out why. We watched a documentary on Drag Queens and the 'Balls' they would go to during the 80-90's.

Paris is Burning portrayed most if not all of the Drag Queens as gay. I do know two Drag Queens in real life who are straight, one has a girlfriend.  The concepts we are learning helped me put into context for myself the difficulties and thoughts I have had in regard to these topics before. I have always known as a transsexual I am living by gender norms, the set of social and behavioral norms considered to be socially acceptable for individuals of a specific sex, and that in no way am I trying or able to escape them.

After all, to be seen as a man I must 'act' like a man no? That is giving into the scripting of hegemonic masculinity, what society believes a man should rightfully be by normative idealistic behaviors. It does bother me to an extent to know I am doing this but there is no escaping gender in our society. Even online you cannot escape it. Regardless of never showing your picture, and putting no gender down, the very way you word replies, the words used, the language itself will tell people what gender you are. This can be mistaken yes, but what I am implying is that, even if you wish to not be known as a gender you will always be known as one regardless.

Drag Queens give into the stereotypical emphasized femininity, the behavioral norms expected of women by telling them to be 'pretty', glamorous, wear makeup, dresses and heels. To be seen as a woman for a man they must embrace this over the top attitude and outlook, otherwise they are not 'real' and cannot 'pass' as a woman. For it is not what you perceive yourself identity, yourself gender, it is what others see. Gender is a performance, as theorized by Goffman's Dramaturgical perspective, we are always performing, and the reply to our performance is our self validation. For others to see us act and believe us to be male or female depending on what we wish to be perceived is the goal.

Drag King's give into the stereotypes of male behaviors by having facial hair (They usually wear fake facial hair), and clothes that are baggy or very masculine in most people’s eyes. There is no third gender, as a transsexual this is a reality. Society will never realize a third gender, and gender polarization, the exaggeration of the differences of the two genders will remain as long as the essentialist lens calling on the differences between men and women exists.  I do not want to live up to the masculine stereotypes, which would have me wearing a certain style of dress, shaving my skin until facial hair started growing more readily which would be extremely painful... So as I am small boned, petite and have voice that unless I work hard at it appears feminine I will not be read as masculine.

If I want to pass, if I want that self validation I have to give into to all the scripting, the roles and give a performance that is not really me. Which is why I am starting to realize at this point in time I am never going to be 'real', to 'pass' under societies lenses, because I am not willing to give up aspects of myself to be seen a certain way by others. I will continue to be referred to as she, her etc as long as I do not give in and accept this part of the way society runs.

This does cause me great frustration but now at the very least I understand why. I can see the why's behind society’s rules, norms and expectations when it comes to gender. I can also see the other side of the table, where I am causing awkward embarrassment for the other party when they realize I wish to be referred to as he. Failing the system as it were causes discomfort and problems on both ends, mine and the others. But as of yet there is nothing I can do about this, at least...

I'm a little more understanding now and patient. Every time someone forgets my correct gender title is not an insult, it is purely base reaction and no means on their end to hurt me. These mistakes are going to keep occurring, I might as well get used to it now. So once again I learn not to take stuff seriously, and let it roll off like water.

Note: (This was written for an assignment in that class.)

nathanialroyale: (Fail)

Highlight the sentences that apply to you.

I am a boy. - (F2M)
I am a girl.
I am shorter than 5’4.
I think I’m ugly sometimes. – Not the right body >.>
I have many scars.
I tan easily.
I wish my hair was a different color. - Black!
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
I have a tattoo.
I am self-conscious about my appearance. - Again wrong body >.>
I have/I’ve had braces.
I wear glasses.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
I have more than 2 piercings.
I have piercing in places besides my ears.
I have freckles.

Meme Inside! )

nathanialroyale: (Deviltoldmetoo)

Misc:

Playstation 3 (Backwards compatible 160 GB hard-drive, able to play PS1,PS2 and PS3 as well as play DVDs and Blue Ray)
Dark wash jeans
Sweatshirts
A French Press for Coffee and Tea
Neopets Trading Cards
10$ in Neopets Neocash
A Glass Dragon Statue

Games:

Civilizations V (PC)
Dragon Age Origins (Ultimate Edition) (PC)
Oblivion (PS3)
Assassins Creed II (PS3)
Folklore (PS3)
Infinite Discoveries (Xbox360)
Devil May Cry 4 (Xbox 360)

Movies:

Prince of Persia (DVD)
Underworld Rise of the Lycans (DVD)
X-Men Origins -Wolverine (DVD)
Swing Kids (DVD)
Final Fantasy VII Advent Children Complete (Blue-ray)

TV Seasons:

Criminal Minds Season 5 (DVD)
Supernatural Season 3 (DVD)
Supernatural Season 4 (DVD)

Books:

Songs of Love and Death
Vampire Hunter D Book 15


And I haven't received presents from my friends yet as I have yet to get together with them to exchange gifts :D
I know Kevin was getting me Fable III Limited Collectors Edition and that Cate was probably going to give me books ^^


And I am going to go hunting for Star Ocean the Last Hope and Heavy Rain at the second hand game store here in town. Those are the last games I want to get for now as well as Supernatural Season 2 as no one had it! ^______^

nathanialroyale: (Fox)


My Secret Santa for the first time absolutely loved what I made on GOS, it was a nice ego boost :D

I got a ps3 for Christmas in the real world :D

And I just made 4 million np on Neopets today lol!


Today has been an incredibly good day :D:D:D:D


nathanialroyale: (Not Impressed)
It really disgusts me that most of the information I am finding about the Islamic Golden Age and the scientific achievements of that time have to be wrote by Islamic sites because non Islamic sites accuse them of making it up O.o. 8th century to 13th century, they made amazing innovations in every single field, and if it weren't for them it would have been a lot longer before we would have had the Greek philosophy and wisdom's that they translated into Arabic.

Put aside your hates of what SOME Islamic sects have done these days and look past your selfishness, an entire people are not bad, an entire religion is not evil! Ignorance is what ticks me off.

The only source of info that was at the very least neutral was Wikipedia! WTF?!

Look at this list of stuff it's insane!

Innovations of the Muslim World


I really hate when people deny history, I really really really hate it! 
And don't even get me started on people who deny the holocaust >.>

//End Rant.//
nathanialroyale: (Heart)

Thank you everyone for the prayers and positive thoughts in our direction. Connor is still in the hospital but he is no longer needing to be on life support, he still requires help breathing from a respirator but he's doing better. He's alert and chewing on the tube that goes down his throat  which is very like my brother to do so it's good to know that he is the same guy he was before hand ^__^

He's fighting the infection in his lungs hard and it's an uphill battle now, we don't know when he's getting out of the hospital but things are starting to look better.

Thank you very much everyone for your support and bright thoughts ^_^
 


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nathanialroyale

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