nathanialroyale: (Nathan)



Rating: (M)
Warnings: Mentions of Abuse,Manipulations, Insanity.
Content Notes: Rene's inner voices can be absolutely horrible sometimes.

--

You need to get away from this place, you know this isn’t right…

“I cannot just abandon her!”

She has no need for you, she had no need for James either. Why did Nilec keep him, not just kill him at the start? You need her, your mother, but she has no need for you. She never has, you play the same game, dance the same dance with her that she did with him..

Claw length fingernails dug into his scalp as Rene battled with the voices of the abyss in a palace hall where no one else tread.

Your daughter needs you, Siliv needs you to be whole and unbroken, how can you be a better man then James when you allow yourself to be manipulated and strung about whichever way your mother pleases?Just like she did to him!

Why did the voices always sound like Mallie when they spoke of his mother? Joscelin when they mentioned the children? Was it to cause his ire to rise? Mallie had left! She had run away leaving him to this hell alone! Rene was caring for Siliv and Kcri, he protected them, fathered them as best as he could. Better then Joscelin who seemed to not even try!

“I never was whole,” the vampire mumbled bitterly to no one but the shady figures of the Twisted Realm that laughed at his pain.

Why do you remain Nilec’s hound? Play the game, take the blame and tell yourself it is for everyone but yourself. You have never been that selfless, that compassionate. Your a murderer! Why do you stay where you know you will eventually lose your mind? You will break into a thousand crystal pieces, following the path of destruction your father wrought beneath your mother’s hands.

A silent scream off endless white walls, agonized. Nails gauged tracks through white hair pulled in clumps as blood began to slide down the bridge of Rene’s nose. Silence followed and the question was raised again by the whispering chorus.

Why do you not take your daughter and leave if you are stronger then I? If you are not me, then leave, just simply walk away…

A strangled laugh answered as limbs began to shake. It had been a while sense the splintered glass and backbiting abuse had taken on that voice. James answered for him.

You have no where to go, my son…

Scarlet eyes flashed open to stare at the marble floor speckled with blood as his vision swam red.

“I…I have..no where..to go.”

It appeared that the shouts and whispers, bites and sound began to quiet as the only truth he knew breathed air.

Once there was a mother, a father and a son.
A tormented boy whose mind they were to destroy.
They meant to create within him a perfect mirror.
No dreams could heal all that shattered glass.
All his resistance, it seemed, only surrendered more screams.
The monster was caught inside a web the mother and father had spun.
But after so long had grafted to his own lies.
Rene had no where to run.


nathanialroyale: (Nathan)


Rating: (G)
Warnings: None.
Content Notes: It is the first snow's fall and the first time that Kallion, Mallie and Raunien have ever seen snow.
Kallion is 4, Joscelin is 3 and Mallie is 2. Raunien is 6 months.


--


Kallion gave an excited cry and small fingers pointed out through the castle window at the white that was falling from the skies.  Mallie, who had slept beside him in the crib as neither toddler would sleep away from each other when they were in the same place, blinked sleeping dust from her eyes.

The Princess’s green eyes widened seeing fluff of white as she had never seen before, being from the northern desert lands. Joscelin laughed and clapped his hands seeing the snow, the one who although a toddler in body was an adult in the mind. The heir was a reborn Elvish soul who was the eldest in spirit and cared for his brothers and cousin like his own after their mother’s death. The nursing maid looked out at the morning, “Well, very well then.  Get ye all some food and get ye all dressed for the cold. Then ye can see the snow.”

Mallie at two years old clung to Kallion’s side feeling his protection and overwhelmed by the new experience. Her hand had snow on its palm and she stared at it wide eyed in wonder. This was the first time she, Kallion and Raunien had ever seen the snow. Kallion at four had his white angel wing around Mallie holding her to his side instinctively protective laughing as the snow fell onto his tongue. The youngest, baby Raunien made noises and scrunched his nose swaddled in the nurse maid’s arms. Joscelin toddled his way to a bank of snow and began to compact it.

“Kally! Come here, bring Mallie!”

Kallion tilted his head but he helped Mallie through the snow on her little legs and Joscelin showed them how to compact the fluff into a big ball. Together they would make a miniature snowman with Joscelin giving the instructions as Mallie and Kallion were very quiet, scared children. Then he would pick up more of the white and toss it at Mallie who shrilly squeaked! She made a face before throwing some back at him. “Na Nice!”

Joscelin laughed and it soon turned into the three tossing hand falls of snow before falling together into the snow banks.  Mallie laughed alongside Joscelin and even scarred Kallion giggled with abandon in the first winter’s snow.



nathanialroyale: (Scream)

(I was too poor to get my girlfriend a valentine’s day gift so I wrote her a drabble instead. I couldn’t get my Marvel muses to work so it’s my OC’s instead. Material is heavy but she understood the significance of this. - Jay/Rene begins to understand and let go of the past.)

“I’m meant to; hate them I mean.”

“For what was done to you? Perhaps, it would be an understood response.”

“I feel as though if I do not hate him I am allowing him to win. I’m expected to hate him, supposed to curse his name and scrape goat them both for what happened to me.”

“Do you believe that Rene? Honestly? There is no winning or losing in this, only a wish to go on living. No one else has to live with this pain but you, it is your choice, and yours alone to embrace the suffering of your past and yet go on living.”

“What is the point of scrape-goating? Emile lost his mind to become James, insanity was his excuse. My mother Nilec was told by her Goddess to do what she did, and it was through her not knowing how to comfort Emile that he shattered. If I am not to blame my parents, the ones who were there, the one who abused me then who do I blame? Fate? The Gods?”

“Gods are Gods, and men are men. Gods are blamed often for the follies of man and elf alike, but they sit away making choices and watching events they do not comprehend. Must there be a scrape goat to lessen your pain?”

“No… But I fear having no one to blame but myself.”

“Yourself? Why would you be at the end of that thought Rene? You were the victim of abuse, of a breaking of trust that should never have been violated. You see with time, we as children love our parents unconditionally, but as we grow, we begin to judge them, our illusions of their perfection lost by reality. But it is those that can rise above the rest that go on in time…to forgive them their inadequacy.”

Rene’s brows furrowed his hands clasped hard beneath the wood table, red from the pressure of his fingers pressing down on bare skin.

Lord Riq’ua’s own hands were settled on his lap on the opposite side of the table from the young vampire, “But forgiveness is a higher calling that I would not expect of you until it is your time. Never do I dare assume I can understand your suffering. I am only an ear, a mouth piece of advice for you Rene Durand. You have already come so far from the man James wished you to be, and that is enough for me. You are reborn, and there should be required no further change in yourself perception.”

“I have tried to become a better man, be who Emile was, not James. The man my father used to be. But I would still like to be me.”

“And what are you then?”

Rene laughed a soft sad laugh and he shook his head, white hair falling before albino pink eyes, “That I do not know. There are titles given to me, titles I have taken. But what do they all mean. I am the son of a tyrant, with a mother who is a murderer, a manipulator. I told myself I would be nothing like them, but what did I become? What I feared, what I loathed. Everyone looks to me and still sees James, and for that reason there is a little hate in my heart for my father. I had no choice in this, to be looked at with loathing and judged for my parentage and the blood that runs through my veins. But for no other reasons then those will I give them to judge me. I’m a prince, a vampire of the clan of the Rose; I am a father and a husband.”

“And what of those are the most important to you? I would think the last two.”

“Yes. I’m a father to Siliv before anything else, and a husband to Joscelin, my love for him is still strong with all he has done for me.”

“Then make yourself from that, no one can expect of you more then what you are willing to give Rene. Hatred or love, forgiveness or scrape goating, it is your pain, your past. You know you are the one who makes your own choices and only they who have not taken chances in life can say they wish to die with no regrets. Everyone has regrets, but just do not allow them to keep you from living.”

“Thank you Riq’ua.”

The High Advisor inclined his head to the prince who stood and bowed to him in respect although Rene’s political position was higher and he watched the young vampire leave the library behind, the large room dead now expect for the sounds of the elder elf meditatively breathing.

nathanialroyale: (Nilec)








Click on them For Detail!

Finally finished the Political map. I put the Geography map with it so one could compare the two.
 

AS OF YEAR 1993 Judicium

Camarian Empire in Sq miles: 502,143 (Excluding The Empyrean Isle and Thyl’e Fae)

Camarian Empire’s Population: 6,705,998 (Excluding The Empyrean Isle and Thyl’e Fae)

 
So roughly the land area with all the text is the size of Portugal, Spain and France which are together roughly 491,110 sq miles.

That does sound small but…

The Known World’s Landmass is 2,863,182 sq miles.

Essentially the known world as it stands is only one continent. So the Camar’ian Empire rules over about 1/4th of the known world.

The Population is low even by Medieval standards because this Empire has been at war near constantly for 2 millenia…

nathanialroyale: (Nathan)











Geography of the Cam’arian Empire

(Please click it for full view)

This is 1/6th of Camar’a Sere’th, my Novel World.
This is the Geographical map which is without political lines or cities.
This is the portion I have at the moment finished with earth textures.
I have to finish the political and city map before posting it.

I am so happy I am done this and so thoroughly exhausted.

This took me 20+ hrs cloning textures from an Earth Satellite Map and painting by hand with a MOUSE.


 

nathanialroyale: (Nilec)











(High Res)


Kingdoms Conquered When and By Whom Chronologically  With Citizenship Status and Year Given:

Kingdom of Gaelia (First Imperial Province. Conquered Year 163 by King Lukyan) (Full Citizenship in year 163)

Kingdom of Itenea (Conquered and becomes an Imperial Province by King Lukyan year 165) (Full Citizenship in year 176)

Kingdom of Kandelmar (Conquered and becomes an Imperial Province by King Lukyan year 194) (Full Citizenship in year 359)

Kingdom of Gheldan (Conquered year 171 by King Lukyan. Gheldan is absorbed into the province of Gaelia in year 174) (Limited Citizenship given when Gheldan is recognized as it’s province in year 855.)

Kingdom of Fefinol Rhan (Conquered and becomes an Imperial Province by King Alva year 471) (Full Citizenship in year 510)

Kingdom of Grimhorn (Conquered and becomes an Imperial Province by King Sheudar year 611) (Full Citizenship in year 961)

Kingdom of Islay (Conquered and becomes an Imperial Province by King Valentiln year 999)(No Citizenship)

Kingdom of Gadhoign (Conquered and becomes an Imperial Province by King Valentiln year 1037)(Limited Citizenship in year 1501)

Kingdom of Esuna (Conquered and becomes an Imperial Province by King Valentiln year 1055)(Full Citizenship in year 1057)

Kingdom of Maighen (Conquered in part by King Valentlin, completely conquered by King Aelfric in year 1182. Absorbed into the province Gadhoign until 1500 when Maighen revolts and declares their independence. The newly independent kingdom is re-conquered by Queen Zosia in 1502.)(Limited Citizenship in year 1908)

Kingdom of Navarre (Conquered by Rhiasart year 1329) (Full Citizenship in year 1357)

Kingdom of Icaria (Conquered by Wilhelmine 1336)(Limited Citizenship in year 1340)

The Cannesh Steepes(Conquered by Queen Zosia year 1462.)(Vassal/Limited Citizenship in year 1462.)

Kingdom of Tabrimon (Joined the Empire year 1472) (Full Citizenship in year 1472)

 


nathanialroyale: (Nathan)











(CLICK for a better Picture!)

I finished the Provincial map of Camar’a. Could you guys take a look at the information? Any ideas or critiques? I’ve spent years gathering all of this together in a form that makes sense. (Mind my grammar/spelling..)

The cultures and languages are based off real ones, I respect the cultures and languages used and I know I am not the only one to do this…Dragon Age?

Provinces:

Gaelia: The main hold of Camar’a, the capitol city of the Kingdom called Illander can be found here. The Zeltans of Itaena and Gheldan were conquered in ancient times and integrated into Gaelian society. The predominating human culture of Camar’a is Gaelian with the usage of Gaelian Trom (Old English) and Gaelian (English) as the common language throughout the continent. Worship of the Lord of Light and King of the Gods and man (Reinn Anon) dominates this area religiously.

Fefiniol Rhan: The trade province between the inhospitable northern desert lands and Camar’a. The province is named after the ‘half breeds’ that have taken up residence and dominated the economy and merchant trading ventures in the area. Half Elves neither wanted in human society nor in Elven are forced or leave of their own volition to settle here. Fefiniol is victim of constant attack by raiding parties from the north. Religion is not that important to this area and they primarily speak the common tongue.

Grimhorn: This province is a dreary, foggy harsh land where the populace is born knowing they owe duty to the Kingdom to defend it against the monstrosities and magic users that flee into the Styrka Skedja Mountains to Grimhorn’s north. These necromancers and magic users use the mountains as a hide away to continue their diabolical works, unleashing the monsters down into the plains of Grimhorn. If Grey Mount falls the more peaceful provinces to the east will quickly follow. Referred to as the Mountain Lords, these people are hardy and strong, man and woman alike. They pray to the God of Death and Rebirth, Sjel’Nnharma for protection in life and in death. (Norwegian based language.)

(9 More Provinces Behind the Read More!) )
nathanialroyale: (Devil told me too)







Drefan had not thought everything through in murdering his father, he was not normally so impulsive. The last year had disrupted and changed so much. But the King of Royale, his father was dead, in small pieces in some brook somewhere, where no-one living would find the abusive Son of a Bitch. But that meant Royale had no King, Robert’s wife Elizabeth was a mouse of a woman from the abuse, daughter of a Danaigh merchant from the north, she could not rule herself, a foreign woman and in a foreign land.

The throne fell to Drefan, but wait, the peace agreement, the legally binding marital agreement between Cama’ra and Royale told a different story. Bitter enemies for more then a millennium, this had been a very long time in coming, orchestrated by Drefan that his younger brother would marry the Camar’ian heir. So Drefan could not rule if he did not wish to break treaty. He had worked for years, putting up with slander and ridicule by his enemies to get peace for his people…

Until Thom was of age their would be no King of Royale, the throne left empty and Camar’a pulling it’s strings. Drefan had to talk to his people, translating for the two people he wanted dead now even more then his father, but the thought of war stilled his hand. With Queen Elaina and King Peter standing at his back he passes the edicts that are veiled threats, and diplomatic vomit. He cools his expression and acts the diplomat as he boils inside, strings being pulled as a marinate.

The people of Royale listened to him, true heir of the Dark throne, to tell them to peacefully give up their arms, the men ordered to give up their swords and military academies closed. The Kingdom of Light feared it’s old enemy greatly and the only control they could keep was through military superiority. Drefan felt the clenching of his gut squeeze harder each and every time he saw the look of confusion, the mix of trust and loyalty in the eyes of his people. An honest bewilderment of people with too great an honor code to not obey their Lord. The Royalians simply wanted  to know why Drefan was agreeing, they wanted to know why they did not fight the Camar’ians.

All Drefan could say to them in his anguished eyes was…

Wait.

By Nanqa, the Dark Lord, I’ll do something.

I promise.

The resignation of their eyes would only grow in the next year as foreign policies were instated, foreign guards and lords taking the place of their own. Sadness, anger Drefan could have understood, could have comforted but resignation? Resignation was unassailable.

To save himself and his brother from private agony he had caused the oppression of his own people by their oldest enemy. Peaceful the guise may have been he knew as Elaina and Peter took his brother Thom aside to teach him how to rule that they would systematically destroy everything Royalian about his beloved homeland.

Drefan’s killing of his father caused this disaster, then the spell he meant to use on one of his brother’s friends went awry and began to slowly kill his brother… His mother Elizabeth suicides and Drefan knows as he reads the note she left behind it is his fault. Monster.

At last his brother succumbs to the disease from the spell and perishes with Drefan clutching his hands at Thom’s bedside. Chaos had been inching it’s way, twisting in, breaking pieces away and finally his mind shattered.  Everything he had meant to do to help had only furthered the destruction of everything he held dear.

So then, who were the first to die when he loses himself to the darkness and his God with him?

The King and Queen of Cama’ra.

Gaelians, the people of Camar’a, oppressors of his people.

Those who scorned and hated him still.

All would die, and rise again to serve him in undeath. All for the love of his family and his homeland.

nathanialroyale: (Nilec)











“I did what I had to in this life.”
- Nilec Quele


(An amazing perfect! commission down to her prideful baring and haunted eyes, comparing the sim version and the new painting.) Done by - Down the Stairs
 
nathanialroyale: (Masquerade)











(I have this headcanon where Steve’s son his born with his original health maladies and wants to grow up to be just like his dad - and Steve is confronted with all these feelings of inadequacy as a father because he realizes his son can’t grow up to be like him. But no kid will probably ever be better protected from bullies, considering who all his uncles are. It’s probably just a matter of time before Uncle Tony builds him some really sweet replacement braces (“Should they have spinning rims? I feel like they should have spinning rims.”) - Siffy

Steve’s son

The guilt and the feeling of selfishness are near overwhelming. All Steve had wanted was a semblance of normalcy, a partnership, a ‘family’. But his greatest fear became a reality when the weakness that haunted his dreams passed on to his skin and blood. It had always been a possibility, perhaps it was buried too deep in the recess of his mind where he pushed his insecurities when he had to be in control and command. But hiding behind the smile he always gives his handsome little boy are little pieces of him breaking.

Could things have been different? Was his illness and physical maladies going to affect any and all of his offspring? Should he have given up the foolish idea of having biological children? Just because the serum changed his hormones, changed his strengths did not mean immediately the transformation was genetic, he should have realized this! But agonizing would do nothing and he would always smile, because although the memories were brief of his own parents, he could remember them smiling. Giving him the only support they could when he accomplished the most trivial of things that to Steve Rogers had been an arduous mountain to climb.

Clutching to his chest a frail frame that shook with laughter Steve kissed the brow of his son and swung him up to play.

Nothing would stand in the child’s way even with the road blocks his body would surely make for him and Steve would help him strive and be there when the boy fervently declares his frustrations at his own limitations. At least this ill boy would have more than just a lifetime friend and a lone stranger believe in him and make him understand that strength wasn’t always the outside. More often than not, it was what was on the inside.

nathanialroyale: (Nathan)





Book one


Nilec, Nathanael’s sister is told of her destiny by her Goddess, Wan’an’iena, Goddess of Fate and Time. Nilec does not fight this because of a past where she had nothing except her Goddess by her side. She knows she will have to manipulate a man into loving her, marrying her and together they will take a country through her visions and strategy. This will aid her brother Nathanael when he is taking back the throne through the army they will be able to give him to take back the capitol city. Nilec knows she will break this man, James, and she does not wish to do so but knows that Elves were not given the gift of free will like man. She will do as her destiny foretells.

Nathanael heir to the Camar’ian throne finds out he is going to die at age 9 of chronic illness. He has been married to the prince of the southern country, Thom sense birth for peace. Camar’a and Royale have been at war for nearly two millenia because of ideological and religious hatred. The Northern country of Camar’a following the God of Light Reinn Anon, and the southern country following the God of Darkness Nanqa.

Prince Drefan, Thom’s older brother acted as diplomat to the north and arranged the marriage so his war weary country could have peace. Elaina, Nathanel’s mother is both King and Queen as her husband is overwhelmed and mentally weak, Peter being a pawn to the nobles. Elaina and Peter have Nathanael grow up in a cabin far from the court so he will be able to have a childhood as they did not because of the courts.

Thom and Drefan are more parents to Nathanel then his actual parents, even so he still wishes for their warmth and approval. The boy finds out he does not just enjoy but craves pain, a mental disease that he cannot escape. Thom is concerned but supportive, Drefan shows Nathanael his own scars.

Drefan at the beginning of the book is being cared for by his brother Thom and friend Lawrence at the end of a six week recovery from nearly 9 months of doing opium. His body is dying as well from the damage done to his lungs and liver among other things. Drefan becomes a lich to keep himself ‘alive’, giving up his soul in exchange for immortality as members of his bloodline have done in the past. He also hopes this will give him the power to overpower and finally kill his father Robert who has been abusing Thom, his mother Elizabeth and he. Thom does not remember this abuse though as Drefan cleans his memories wishing to preserve his brothers kind nature and not have Thom turn as bitter as he.

In a dream/vision of a theater, Thom, Robert and Elizabeth are dead, being puppet-ed upon the stage. Nathan goes up the winding iron staircase to find the puppet master. Drefan is watching as well from down the iron walkway, his expression stoney in his shock and revulsion at what they are seeing.

The one puppeting is a form that shifts like liquid from Drefan, to Robert, to Nathanael, to shadowy figures that neither can completely make out except one. But Drefan knows this one, his own God, Nanqa, and he keeps this information to himself. Nathan still yells at Drefan that he doesn’t want to be monster, they still argue, Drefan still angrily insists that no one wants to be a monster and Nathan falls as the railing breaks.

Nathan wakes up from this dream and Nilec tells Nathanael of his destiny. That he will lose everything and everyone and must have the strength to take back the throne and have a child before his death at 18. Nathanael who only knows conditional love from his parents and knows of his father’s shame in him because of his craving of pain believes himself a monster too, he will not fight a painful destiny that he at 9 years old believes he deserves.

Drefan after the vision now knows that this will be the future and tries to change it. Giving him another reason to kill Robert besides his vengeance, he believes if he kills his father perhaps his family will be safe not only from all these years of abuse but from a terrible future. However his anger and hatred still lead him down the same path and even with good intentions Drefan still is the reason that his father Robert, Mother Elizabeth and brother Thom all die. Everything he did was with good intentions, wishing to save his mother and brother, giving his country peace, but in the end these good intentions paved the road to hell. It is his fault his entire family dies, that his country is taken by Camar’a, and that destiny still prevails.

Coming to realize that he is the cause for everything, that he really is a monster, a monster worse even then his father over the dying body of his brother transforms him. That he in doing everything to escape destiny, only helped it to prevail is the catalyst that sends him hurtling into the abyss, shattering his mind. He has nothing left to lose after the betrayal of his love Riq’ua, who refused to believe that he was being abused and the pushing away his only friend for Lawrence’s safety. 

Nanqa, God of Darkness who was inside Drefan’s mind to attempt to help him through all of his struggles is caught within a mortal mind. Nanqa knows he has failed his bloodline, for Drefan is a scion of his line and within a mortal mind Nanqa shatters from guilt and rage. The diety then becomes consumed by Drefan’s hatred and wish for vengeance, and does not only kill Nathanael’s family and the court of Camar’a but goes on a warpath.

Nathanael lost his own family that day as well but, The God of Light, Reinn Anon, who Nathanael is the scion of tells him he must kill the last remaining person Nathan has, as Nathanael does not know if Nilec lives. Nathanael must save his world by killing the last person he loves in the world.

Broken and shattered Drefan not only destroys the country that made his own suffer, genocides the people most beloved by the other Gods because his people were hated but goes on to try to kill All life. Everything would suffer. Everything would Die.

Drefan becomes the enemy.

Nathanael has to stop him.

nathanialroyale: (Nathan)

Novel Start Ages - June 11th 1992 :

(Nathanael has not yet had his birthday that would make him 10.)

1992 - Peter 28, Eliana 29
1992 - Nathy 9, Drefan 19
1992 - Nilec 177
1992 - Thom 14
1992 - Lawrence Aktarian 20
1992 - Drydren Atrious 34
1992 - Elizabeth Royale 36
1992 - Robert Royale 39

Birth dates, Year and Month:

Nilec - July 14th 1815 
Damion - September 28th 1821 
Drefan - December 7th 1973 
Thom - October 12th, 1977 
Nathy - July 6th 1982 
Jay - August 27th 1996
Kallion  - February 29 1998
Jocelin - April 2th 1998
Mallie - June 15th 2000

Event Timeline:

Peter when his parent Joscelin is murdered at 154 years of age is 7 yrs old in year 1970.
Nilec is 167, Peter is 20 and Linda is 19 when Nathanael is born in year 1982.
Robert is 39 when he is murdered in year 1992.
Elizabeth is 37 when she suicides in year 1993.
Peter is 30, Linda 31 when they are murdered and Thom 17 when he dies of disease in year 1994 leaving Nathanael 12.
Nilec is 185 and Damion is 179 when Nathanael dies at 18 in year 2000.

nathanialroyale: (Nilec)






There are days when I’m okay

And for a moment
For a moment I find hope
But there are days when I’m not okay
And I need your help
So I’m letting go

All the years of fearing men eying me, giving me a second glance, the wish to remain a girl forever and never become a woman.. If I’m ugly, if I’m a little girl they wont want me… Not like that..  The negative thoughts hit their pinnacle and then my fear and self hatred crashed down on me and buried me. That’s the moment I knew I would do anything to never feel those eyes on me again. That’s the moment I decided to do whatever it takes to not be that girl those men had thought beautiful. That’s the moment I became an anorexic.

I need you to know
I’m not through the night
Some days I’m still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we’ll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I was killing myself, but it was a slow death, a painful death. I was so sick of feeling hunger, and when those pains passed it became easier to go without. No one knew, I wore frumpy clothing so the men would have no want to stare at me. I would always like a mantra tell myself that I was a wraith, a ghost that no one could see, no one could touch. Your ugly, no one would want you...You become so good at lying, you begin with yourself and then when you believe the lies it is easier to have others believe them too…

- Nilec Quele (Nathanael's sister.)

(Song lyrics Courage by Superchick)

nathanialroyale: (Dance)


“I do not need your protection anymore!”

The words echoed off the cold stone of the royal bedroom, the argument that had proceeded them seemed pity in light of the sentence that punched the King of Camar’a and left him breathless. That was what Joscelin was; a protector. Everything he wanted to be, could ever be was wrapped within the blades he used to protect his family, his kingdom and his people.

Silence filled hollow wounds, Rene’s eyes afire with contention, starring at the man that he had married three years ago. Royalty; they both were, and the marriage had been arranged. They had come into this hoping for love, but everything fell apart, and Rene still knew he was to blame. The vampire flinched as the quiet became oppressive, and he buried his face into his hands. Again! Again I fall into the traps of who I used to be. Again, I wound him, let loose the temper I had sworn to hold in.

“Joscelin…”

The Elvish King shook his head, the quick motion attempting to hold back the tearing of his heart that was so very visible in lavender eyes.

“Then I am of no use to you,” Joscelin’s arms folded over his chest in the traditional style as he gave the Blade Dancing bow, his face a mask of ice. Rene reached out toward the other though a table was between them both and the Elf shook his head once again. Rene’s lips opened in vain, but he let his eyes close. How can I make this right? Every time we speak, we fight, we have nearly killed each other through our love. How many times am I going to be sorry?

Blood stung in his eyes as the tears collected moist as he watched Joscelin step around him, no words between them now.

Regrets, so many regrets…

“Don’t protect me! Fight beside me Joscelin!” The words rushed with raw passion past pale lips, turning in a flash of vampire speed, his hand gripping Joscelin’s shoulder.

“You say I see you as prey, that you want to be my equal! Then we should be equals both. No possessiveness, no protectiveness, side by side, Joscelin! I say the wrong things, but I do not want to give up on this, on us!”

Joscelin had froze when his shoulder was gripped and a sigh left him,”Partners?”

“Yes, friends perhaps, someday. I do not ask for your love after what I have done, but together we are stronger then apart. Fight with me.”

Joscelin turned with sad smile,”I’ve been trying you stubborn vampire. But very well, again. We will learn to fight together, not against each other. I hope.”

Rene grips the shoulder harder,”Thank you. For another chance.” Again. What try was this? The sixth? The seventh? He could no longer remember…Let it be the last.

Please.

nathanialroyale: (Sad Angel)
I am Aghvani Herravor.

Angel of Reinn Anon.

Once I was a half elf, how and why I died I do not know. But I died, and Reinn blessed me with my wings. I am a Consecrated Harrier, bounty hunter of the Gods. If a price has been set on you by the divine I will find you, no matter where you stand. I have been told I am intelligent, wise beyond my time as a Yearling, but what does that matter when the words I speak are never heeded. I speak softly, I do not expect any longer for what I say to be heard. I am told that I am honorable, and I am proud that I was made a Celestian.

I met the Ai’Haran, the boy king as he walked the many roads to the restoration of his throne. I was ordered to kill The Betrayer, Drefan Robert Royale, who murdered the Court of Light, and destroyed the Le’Lis people. I was sure in my duty, convictions that of stone. But it was the brother of my heart, the boy who would be King, Nathanial, who showed me compassion and forgiveness.

There was will and strength beneath those calm ice blue eyes, hidden under the layers of altruism and abuse. I hope that the others, our companions, saw as I did, that they grew to respect him as dearly.

Little brother of my heart, I will follow you into hell, fight against impossible odds, not for power, honor or achievement but to see you through till the very end.
nathanialroyale: (Nathan)

Drefan, you tried to set me free and I do thank you and I know you did it the only way you knew how. You live what you learn you once said long ago. There is truth and lie to such a statement. You live what you have learned and wish to teach. To love and never have hated is to never have felt true passion; I think I am realizing that now. All emotions are flips of a coin, heads and tails, darkness and light.

I can feel hate, I used to deny it, I used to wonder why I couldn’t feel it. But that was not true, I can, but I have blocked it out, deep in my heart. But what has that done for me all this time? I tried to block out anger as well, and it has taken all this time, the loss and the abuse to realize that both emotions are only just that, emotions like the rest.  I thank you Drefan for what you did for me but I hate you all the same. I am angry at you for the years of my life you stole from me, the hopes and dreams you shattered because you had none yourself. You tried to destroy me, but you made me stronger. You tainted and liberated me. I thank you…and I hate you.

I am growing up, I’m not afraid anymore. I’m learning to love myself; I am an altruist, and a masochist. I may have been a monster, but now I am Damion’s angel. I was a broken china doll, but now I am someone’s salvation, their hopes and their dreams. I am looking to the future now not the past; I’m going to stop feeling sorry for myself now. I never realized by hating myself how much I was hurting people who loved me. I am sorry. I’m a hypocrite, wishing to not burden others, and to hurt them. I always ended up blaming myself, but I just didn’t want to blame other people, I did not want to hurt or sadden others.  

But the greatest pain is to see someone you love never forgive themselves, to believe themselves undeserving. I will stop hating myself and hurting others through that self deprecation. I will try to forgive myself for the things in my life I cannot change; I will try to love myself through all the pain and all the sadness. I will love, I will hate, I will cry and I will scream; I want to be whole. Like some  scattered puzzle I will find all of my wayward pieces so you, my love, can help me put myself together again. I want to be worthy and I know that I need to find myself worthy first.

Damion? Will you wait for me? I’m still learning even as I am dying, and I may fail… But what is important is trying right? So I will try. For Drefan who is my past, for Damion my present and for my son who is my future and at last…Myself too.

I will try.

- Nathanial Peter Quele Royale

nathanialroyale: (Sad Angel)
Title: Admitting fault and Carrying on. Part 2/2.
Rating: (Blanketed warning of NC-17)
Beta: [personal profile] ebonrune
Content Notes:This is split into two parts because of length. This part is 8,465 words. I am very happy with these pieces. Ayo is yes in Royalian. First Het sex scene. I left Amaya's name in the western style with last name being after the first for simplicity, I realize it would be switched.
Warnings: Mentions of unrequited incest, Yaoi, Yuri and Het. Mentions of Past Sexual, Physical and Physcological Abuse, mentions of past addictions to drugs and alcohol, Sex scene.

Plot: Twenty one years have passed since The Scourge War, and the hero, young King Nathanial, has died long before his time. Nathanial's son, Crown Prince Joscelin recently took the throne waiting in trust for him. The enemy of the war, Drefan Robert Royale, a man that nearly destroyed the world was forgiven by the altruistic Nathanial for his crimes. But even still Drefan has yet to forgive himself or those who pushed him to the brink of madness and beyond. It is past time that this broken man finds peace.

--

A return of what was lost.


Drefan decided that when he did the ritual to free his soul from the black diamond and take it back within his body that he would do so alone. He had no wish for Sevuk or Samuel to see him, as the initial outpour of emotions and memories would be overwhelming. A reclaiming of everything he had lost; the good, the bad, the pain and the joy, memory and emotion. He had not had many individuals he would call friends in his forty seven years and with the return of his soul he worried of losing them to weakness. Drefan consequently kept to himself for a few days. King Samuel was a persistent if not stubborn individual however who would not let him be on his own for too long.

Read On... )
nathanialroyale: (Arwen)
Title: Admitting fault and Carrying on. Part 1 of 2.
Rating: (Blanketed warning of NC-17)
Beta: [personal profile] ebonrune
Content Notes: I have not written so much in sequence in a long time.This is split into two parts because of length. This part is 3173 words. The second part is triple that. I am very happy with these pieces. Ayo is yes in Royalian. This takes place many years after the novels, so there is an overview of events at the beginning.
Warnings: Mentions of Past Sexual, Physical and Physcological Abuse, mentions of past addictions to drugs and alcohol.

Plot: Twenty one years have passed since The Scourge War, and the hero, young King Nathanial, has died long before his time. Nathanial's son, Crown Prince Joscelin recently took the throne waiting in trust for him. The enemy of the war, Drefan Robert Royale, a man that nearly destroyed the world was forgiven by the altruistic Nathanial for his crimes. But even still Drefan has yet to forgive himself or those who pushed him to the brink of madness and beyond. It is past time that this broken man finds peace.

--


Events and Changes.


Joscelin Quele Ante succeeded the throne of Camar’a at twenty one years of age, year 2018 Astrium, beginning the Age the Stars. His first action as King shook the political quiet of the Kingdom that had been at peace for over twenty years. King Joscelin boldly addressed those that stood that day in the throne room with a message of political freedom and tolerance. He was convinced that the peace the world had been blessed with came at the cost of thousands who were oppressed by the Camar’ian government. The southern kingdom of Royale, the kingdom of the God of Darkness, had been ravaged by The Scourge War twenty one years ago that had nearly destroyed their entire world. Royale suffered needlessly because Camar’a feared the Kingdom that the Lich Drefan Robert Royale had been reared in, had been the prince of. For one man’s actions, an entire kingdom was held to blame and Joscelin refused to allow this to continue.

Read On... )
nathanialroyale: (Devil told me too)
Under age love depicted in art and writing...

You ask, What makes it worth defending? and the only answer I can give is this: Freedom to write, freedom to read, freedom to own material that you believe is worth defending means you're going to have to stand up for stuff you don't believe is worth defending, even stuff you find actively distasteful, because laws are big blunt instruments that do not differentiate between what you like and what you don't, because prosecutors are humans and bear grudges and fight for re-election, because one person's obscenity is another person's art.

Because if you don't stand up for the stuff you don't like, when they come for the stuff you do like, you've already lost.

The CBLDF will defend your First Amendment right as an adult to make lines on paper, to draw, to write, to sell, to publish, and now, to own comics. And that's what makes the kind of work you don't like, or don't read, or work that you do not feel has artistic worth or redeeming features worth defending. It's because the same laws cover the stuff you like and the stuff you find icky, wherever your icky line happens to be: the law is a big blunt instrument that makes no fine distinctions, and because you only realise how wonderful absolute freedom of speech is the day you lose it.

- Neil Gaiman

Hells YES.


nathanialroyale: (Sad Angel)
 






Emile/James’s Theme Song to Nilec.

Gives me the shivers. Poor Emile.

So Cold

It's too much, not enough, what you need I don't get
I don't know why you never say, you never do
Is this my luck again? Silent words never shed
All I get is you turning away

You turn so cold, it's never enough, it's always too much
For what you never say, what you never go
And say you're so cold, it's never enough, it's always too much
For what you never say, never do, never say

Is it me that you see changing what you think you need?
All I can say is I'll always trade me for you
Is it my heart I break, hard to give what you won't take?
If you did would you throw it away?

And turn so cold , it's never enough, it's always too much
For what you never say, what you never go
And say you're so cold, it's never enough, it's always too much
For what you never say, never do, never say

Our time is slipping away, slipping away

Isn't my word enough? What I say is what you get
And all I get is you turning away

You turn so cold, it's never enough, it's always too much
For what you never say, what you never know
And say you're so cold, it's never enough, it's always too much
For what you never say, never do, never say

Our time is slipping away, slipping away

And all I get is you turning away
 




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