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nathanialroyaleTitle: It took the Death of Hope to let you go...
Rating: (R)
Content Notes/Warnings: You couldn't hate enough to love, and you ripped me apart when you refused to fight.
A memory within a dream is a prelude to this, explaining Drefan and Riq'ua's relationship.
Drefan the antagonist in my novels had a long road to the day when he loses his mind which is told in Love is never gentle and Grief gives way to Hate This story is one of the steps that lead him toward insanity.
Warnings: Child Abuse, Violence
Main Character/s: Drefan Robert Royale, Riq'ua Riviria
Plot: Drefan finally tells Riq'ua why he is so scarred, so skittish, and hopes are crushed to dust when Riq'ua tells him he lies.
Location: illander castle, illander city.
--
Bloodied fists hang loosely by sides, eyes that brimmed with darkness; black pits slowly are turning back to the midnight blue.
What have I done?
The evidence is clear, Riq’ua lies in a pool of his own blood, and there had been barely any noise to give rise to what was going on in the Elven Lord’s bedchambers. Where once anger mixed with bitterness there was only confusion, despair and betrayal.
I trusted you! I gave you everything! I gave you my heart, you wear my soul in the black diamond around your throat and even after everything I would have given my body to you. I was willing to give you all of me, but you scorned me. You think I lied?! You asked me how I had such scars, rope burns around my throat and stigma marks through my hands, Hahahaha, you say I lied?!!
The elf grunted as Drefan delivers another hard kick to ribs, arms shaking as his nostrils flared and he turned from the man that he had loved, the man he had told the truth only to be told he lied. It was as if there was nothing; numbness had set in that would not leave and the Royalian Prince put out his hand the darkness swirling to create the portal.
What...what will I do now? Will he tell the court? No...I cannot let him!
Turning back the elve’s eyes were glassy but breaths were shallow, barely recognizable. Lord Riq’ua Riviria lived even after a beating that had taken so long the sun had set and Drefan starred at him again, “Why? You could have killed me, and you let me beat you near to death? A pittance for what you have shredded? I gave you my soul! I trusted you with parts of me I would give no other and this is how you thank me?!” The words were yelled at the barely conscious body and his nails curled into his palms.
“You son of a bitch! Everyone, everyone lies, they betray and tear apart, I’ve had enough, fuck trust, screw your love, you never felt a god damn thing, not after what you did to me,” the words instead of increasing in volume fell, to mere whisper near the end.
No one will believe you...That’s the fun, you tell someone they will mock you, call you disgusting and a liar. Your mine, I control you, both of you, just try to get away boy...
I’m not a boy!
Head grasped in blood covered hands Drefan staggered into a wall, “I’m not a boy old man! Gods damn you!”
He lies, the son of a bitch lies, I know he does, indoctrination, sheeple, watch dogs; I need to fight it, remain free...What’s the point? No one believes, just like he said. They give piteous eyes, they talk behind backs and no one sees. I finally told someone who could help me and he tells me I lie!
Bubbling laughter as he can feel pieces fall, his chalice marred and fractured by abuse and time, by helplessness and bitterness. The crystal is corroded, dripping from darkness, taint and corruption, and bits begin to chip away. The mind can only take so much before it turns inward, before it defends itself from any slight, from betrayal and pain. The abyss loomed far below and he starred into the face of insanity, he could hear the distant lightning, laughter and see purple clouds. Mirrors shattered glass upon the ground, bare feet cut and bleeding.
Jarred back to reality when he hits his knees, it is late outside of the cabin, he had managed to even with his eyes turned inward get through the dark portal home. But here he collapsed upon the sweet grasses in the back, starring into nothing.
I’m losing, I’m going to shatter completely and fall into the void. I can’t, Thom needs me...brother... I have to stay here, I have to keep trying. Thom needs me to protect him from father, I will remain, I will rebuild myself stronger; force myself to go on from Riq’ua. Forget about him; threaten him not to tell anyone what he was told. I’m not strong enough, I’m not nearly strong enough, and I can’t stop Robert, fuck! Twenty one and I still can’t stop him! I’m not a boy any longer! Not a helpless little boy...no, No! I’m a man, but I’m so god damn alone...
“Nanqa,” Drefan’s voice raspy pleaded up at the stars, he did not know if his God would hear him, the God of darkness, undead and honour had been locked away millennia’s ago for his transgressions. But Drefan believed, he had to, no other deity had come to save him. When he had whispered prayers at night asking for something to save him from the hands of his father there had been no answer until Nanqa. “I can’t do this on my own right now, my heads to rocked; I have to pick myself up. By the darkness help me...Fuck, I can’t do this on my own!”
The softest whisper like silk through his head and Drefan sighs, eyes falling closed in relief, “Mylord, help me...”
“I will help you grandchild, up, you must make it inside of the house. I will hold you,” the voice remained comforting, soft and Drefan forced himself up to his feet, he could feel his Lord giving him the strength, and he portaled again inside the house too tired to do otherwise. Once inside his room he collapsed onto the maroon blanketed bed. And he felt it though he did not know how, but he felt fingers run through his blond hair, a comforting touch, and the Prince gave a weary sigh.
“I will protect you, I will stay with you, and you have my promise. Take my power, use it, protect your brother, and protect yourself. Sleep, calm and do not lose hope.”
Drefan knew he could sleep now, though still bloodied, aching, and his mind so close to falling over the edge into the abyss, shattering to nothing. But he believed, he had nothing beyond his faith, he had to believe he could protect Thom. Take whatever his father did to him; Thom was everything, his beloved brother. Erase the memories, allow his brother ignorance and innocence, Thom would not become like he, bitter and twisted with hatred. Thom was light, beautiful and pure.
Tears leaked into the blankets, everything, everything is worth Thom’s peace, Thom’s happiness. Robert could do anything, just as long as Thom is safe. My hopes and my dreams, the heir to Royale, he will rule them and love them. He is everything...everything to me.
“I have to protect him,” his broken voice spoke into blankets as his eyes squeezed shut, “All Royale wants is peace, Thom can give it that. He’s so beautiful...so loving, he will bring peace to the Kingdom. He has to make it, he will...I won’t let Robert stop him, I won’t let him fall. My people just want peace, the alliance will hold, it has to hold...”
Silent tears continued as his hands grasped at blankets, so many thoughts, streams flowing into each other, leaning into the comfort of the touch that was tender through his hair, giving silent promises of protection.
Drefan cried for the love he had lost, for the man that had spurned him and how much it hurt, he hadn’t lied! Robert had been hurting them for so long, the scars were proof, so many gods bedamned scars, and it wasn’t enough proof. His deity believed, Nanqa knew what was happening to them, what Drefan could not save them from. But no one else would believe, if only he knew Riq’ua no longer loved him, he could have killed the elf.
But no...there had been such sorrow in his eyes, You could not hate enough to love, I cherished the calm, the safety, I knew with you I would be safe. But you tore it all apart when you refused to fight. Damn you Riq’ua! I’ve lived this walking nightmare my entire life and all I wanted was for one person to believe! I needed, Gods I needed you to believe me! I’m not lying damn you! Why couldn’t you believe me? I don’t want this pain anymore; I want to be free, to be able to live in peace. I am tired of fear, sick to death of hurt, and not being able to protect. Oh Gods Thom, I am trying, I swear I will kill that son of a bitch, somehow, I swear to Nanqa! Somehow, somehow. What did I do, what did we do to deserve this fate? To have no one care, no one there to know what we have lived through? No one wants to be a monster, no one. Riq’ua, if you still care don’t ever let me know, because it doesn’t matter, you tore my heart to shreds and left me bleeding, just as he said, no one will believe...
Why did he have to be right?
“Next time,” Drefan shuddered against the blankets, so tired, “I will kill him...Nanqa give me the strength, I can’t do it on my own. Let me kill him, save us from the past. Allow us a future...”
“Next time grandchild, if ill hands lay on Thom their deaths are sealed...Not just Robert, the mother too...She knew, she never stopped; they deserve to die. To know the suffering you have suffered, forever plagued by horrors and dreams, never to be reborn.”
Drefan moved up a little pulling himself toward the pillows, and he was grinning, his eyes were black, and his chalice stopped chipping. The hate was taking hold but he would sleep, he would be able to go on past what what had happened, Riq’ua and betrayal, love and losing. Revenge something he had waited so long for, he would wait still, he could wait. Sixteen years of the abuse and the lies, the whispers that no one would believe and living in fear. He could wait, just so the time would be right.
Both of them will die.
And we will be free.
I will protect you Thom. I promise.
We will be free, and you will never know.
Never know how much I love you.
Kill them and we will be free.
Truly free.
Finally.
Rating: (R)
Content Notes/Warnings: You couldn't hate enough to love, and you ripped me apart when you refused to fight.
A memory within a dream is a prelude to this, explaining Drefan and Riq'ua's relationship.
Drefan the antagonist in my novels had a long road to the day when he loses his mind which is told in Love is never gentle and Grief gives way to Hate This story is one of the steps that lead him toward insanity.
Warnings: Child Abuse, Violence
Main Character/s: Drefan Robert Royale, Riq'ua Riviria
Plot: Drefan finally tells Riq'ua why he is so scarred, so skittish, and hopes are crushed to dust when Riq'ua tells him he lies.
Location: illander castle, illander city.
--
Bloodied fists hang loosely by sides, eyes that brimmed with darkness; black pits slowly are turning back to the midnight blue.
What have I done?
The evidence is clear, Riq’ua lies in a pool of his own blood, and there had been barely any noise to give rise to what was going on in the Elven Lord’s bedchambers. Where once anger mixed with bitterness there was only confusion, despair and betrayal.
I trusted you! I gave you everything! I gave you my heart, you wear my soul in the black diamond around your throat and even after everything I would have given my body to you. I was willing to give you all of me, but you scorned me. You think I lied?! You asked me how I had such scars, rope burns around my throat and stigma marks through my hands, Hahahaha, you say I lied?!!
The elf grunted as Drefan delivers another hard kick to ribs, arms shaking as his nostrils flared and he turned from the man that he had loved, the man he had told the truth only to be told he lied. It was as if there was nothing; numbness had set in that would not leave and the Royalian Prince put out his hand the darkness swirling to create the portal.
What...what will I do now? Will he tell the court? No...I cannot let him!
Turning back the elve’s eyes were glassy but breaths were shallow, barely recognizable. Lord Riq’ua Riviria lived even after a beating that had taken so long the sun had set and Drefan starred at him again, “Why? You could have killed me, and you let me beat you near to death? A pittance for what you have shredded? I gave you my soul! I trusted you with parts of me I would give no other and this is how you thank me?!” The words were yelled at the barely conscious body and his nails curled into his palms.
“You son of a bitch! Everyone, everyone lies, they betray and tear apart, I’ve had enough, fuck trust, screw your love, you never felt a god damn thing, not after what you did to me,” the words instead of increasing in volume fell, to mere whisper near the end.
No one will believe you...That’s the fun, you tell someone they will mock you, call you disgusting and a liar. Your mine, I control you, both of you, just try to get away boy...
I’m not a boy!
Head grasped in blood covered hands Drefan staggered into a wall, “I’m not a boy old man! Gods damn you!”
He lies, the son of a bitch lies, I know he does, indoctrination, sheeple, watch dogs; I need to fight it, remain free...What’s the point? No one believes, just like he said. They give piteous eyes, they talk behind backs and no one sees. I finally told someone who could help me and he tells me I lie!
Bubbling laughter as he can feel pieces fall, his chalice marred and fractured by abuse and time, by helplessness and bitterness. The crystal is corroded, dripping from darkness, taint and corruption, and bits begin to chip away. The mind can only take so much before it turns inward, before it defends itself from any slight, from betrayal and pain. The abyss loomed far below and he starred into the face of insanity, he could hear the distant lightning, laughter and see purple clouds. Mirrors shattered glass upon the ground, bare feet cut and bleeding.
Jarred back to reality when he hits his knees, it is late outside of the cabin, he had managed to even with his eyes turned inward get through the dark portal home. But here he collapsed upon the sweet grasses in the back, starring into nothing.
I’m losing, I’m going to shatter completely and fall into the void. I can’t, Thom needs me...brother... I have to stay here, I have to keep trying. Thom needs me to protect him from father, I will remain, I will rebuild myself stronger; force myself to go on from Riq’ua. Forget about him; threaten him not to tell anyone what he was told. I’m not strong enough, I’m not nearly strong enough, and I can’t stop Robert, fuck! Twenty one and I still can’t stop him! I’m not a boy any longer! Not a helpless little boy...no, No! I’m a man, but I’m so god damn alone...
“Nanqa,” Drefan’s voice raspy pleaded up at the stars, he did not know if his God would hear him, the God of darkness, undead and honour had been locked away millennia’s ago for his transgressions. But Drefan believed, he had to, no other deity had come to save him. When he had whispered prayers at night asking for something to save him from the hands of his father there had been no answer until Nanqa. “I can’t do this on my own right now, my heads to rocked; I have to pick myself up. By the darkness help me...Fuck, I can’t do this on my own!”
The softest whisper like silk through his head and Drefan sighs, eyes falling closed in relief, “Mylord, help me...”
“I will help you grandchild, up, you must make it inside of the house. I will hold you,” the voice remained comforting, soft and Drefan forced himself up to his feet, he could feel his Lord giving him the strength, and he portaled again inside the house too tired to do otherwise. Once inside his room he collapsed onto the maroon blanketed bed. And he felt it though he did not know how, but he felt fingers run through his blond hair, a comforting touch, and the Prince gave a weary sigh.
“I will protect you, I will stay with you, and you have my promise. Take my power, use it, protect your brother, and protect yourself. Sleep, calm and do not lose hope.”
Drefan knew he could sleep now, though still bloodied, aching, and his mind so close to falling over the edge into the abyss, shattering to nothing. But he believed, he had nothing beyond his faith, he had to believe he could protect Thom. Take whatever his father did to him; Thom was everything, his beloved brother. Erase the memories, allow his brother ignorance and innocence, Thom would not become like he, bitter and twisted with hatred. Thom was light, beautiful and pure.
Tears leaked into the blankets, everything, everything is worth Thom’s peace, Thom’s happiness. Robert could do anything, just as long as Thom is safe. My hopes and my dreams, the heir to Royale, he will rule them and love them. He is everything...everything to me.
“I have to protect him,” his broken voice spoke into blankets as his eyes squeezed shut, “All Royale wants is peace, Thom can give it that. He’s so beautiful...so loving, he will bring peace to the Kingdom. He has to make it, he will...I won’t let Robert stop him, I won’t let him fall. My people just want peace, the alliance will hold, it has to hold...”
Silent tears continued as his hands grasped at blankets, so many thoughts, streams flowing into each other, leaning into the comfort of the touch that was tender through his hair, giving silent promises of protection.
Drefan cried for the love he had lost, for the man that had spurned him and how much it hurt, he hadn’t lied! Robert had been hurting them for so long, the scars were proof, so many gods bedamned scars, and it wasn’t enough proof. His deity believed, Nanqa knew what was happening to them, what Drefan could not save them from. But no one else would believe, if only he knew Riq’ua no longer loved him, he could have killed the elf.
But no...there had been such sorrow in his eyes, You could not hate enough to love, I cherished the calm, the safety, I knew with you I would be safe. But you tore it all apart when you refused to fight. Damn you Riq’ua! I’ve lived this walking nightmare my entire life and all I wanted was for one person to believe! I needed, Gods I needed you to believe me! I’m not lying damn you! Why couldn’t you believe me? I don’t want this pain anymore; I want to be free, to be able to live in peace. I am tired of fear, sick to death of hurt, and not being able to protect. Oh Gods Thom, I am trying, I swear I will kill that son of a bitch, somehow, I swear to Nanqa! Somehow, somehow. What did I do, what did we do to deserve this fate? To have no one care, no one there to know what we have lived through? No one wants to be a monster, no one. Riq’ua, if you still care don’t ever let me know, because it doesn’t matter, you tore my heart to shreds and left me bleeding, just as he said, no one will believe...
Why did he have to be right?
“Next time,” Drefan shuddered against the blankets, so tired, “I will kill him...Nanqa give me the strength, I can’t do it on my own. Let me kill him, save us from the past. Allow us a future...”
“Next time grandchild, if ill hands lay on Thom their deaths are sealed...Not just Robert, the mother too...She knew, she never stopped; they deserve to die. To know the suffering you have suffered, forever plagued by horrors and dreams, never to be reborn.”
Drefan moved up a little pulling himself toward the pillows, and he was grinning, his eyes were black, and his chalice stopped chipping. The hate was taking hold but he would sleep, he would be able to go on past what what had happened, Riq’ua and betrayal, love and losing. Revenge something he had waited so long for, he would wait still, he could wait. Sixteen years of the abuse and the lies, the whispers that no one would believe and living in fear. He could wait, just so the time would be right.
Both of them will die.
And we will be free.
I will protect you Thom. I promise.
We will be free, and you will never know.
Never know how much I love you.
Kill them and we will be free.
Truly free.
Finally.
