[Novel] Drabble - I'm letting go...

[nathanialroyale]

There are days when I’m okay
And for a moment
For a moment I find hope
But there are days when I’m not okay
And I need your help
So I’m letting go

All the years of fearing men eying me, giving me a second glance, the wish to remain a girl forever and never become a woman.. If I’m ugly, if I’m a little girl they wont want me… Not like that..  The negative thoughts hit their pinnacle and then my fear and self hatred crashed down on me and buried me. That’s the moment I knew I would do anything to never feel those eyes on me again. That’s the moment I decided to do whatever it takes to not be that girl those men had thought beautiful. That’s the moment I became an anorexic.

I need you to know
I’m not through the night
Some days I’m still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we’ll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I was killing myself, but it was a slow death, a painful death. I was so sick of feeling hunger, and when those pains passed it became easier to go without. No one knew, I wore frumpy clothing so the men would have no want to stare at me. I would always like a mantra tell myself that I was a wraith, a ghost that no one could see, no one could touch. Your ugly, no one would want you...You become so good at lying, you begin with yourself and then when you believe the lies it is easier to have others believe them too…

- Nilec Quele (Nathanael's sister.)

(Song lyrics Courage by Superchick)